I like to keep a diary. A collection of thoughts and moments, logging my best days and my worst, and sometimes the ones that slot in between. For as long as I can remember, I've almost always been keeping a diary or journal of sorts. One of my first was purple and sparkly, with two fairies on the front. While this excited me, what was more promising was the lock on the side although I soon realised that this would be easy to pick, and could give away all my 'secrets' as they were. 

Despite this, I was intent on pouring my heart into every page. Drawings, poems and journals compiled into one place. Recently, I gave my room a huge Spring clean, and found nine diaries I had written from age seven to eighteen. A complete collection of my life, through the eyes of my younger self. A depiction of friendship, falling in love, loss, family, courage and growth. The life and times of Sadhbh Sullivan. 

Flicking through the pages, although entertaining, was also a reminder of how much has changed in my life over the past decade. In my earliest logs, I was reminded of times when my primary concerns consisted of what exactly I would have for dinner, and how exactly I could get away with leaving my broccoli behind. If only life could be so simple! Later on, in the height of my teenage years, I was reminded of the times when I was alone. Times when I tried and succeeded, and others when I had tried and failed. 

I can't tell you that I was particularly fond of my teenage years, or my time at school, because that would be a lie. For the most part, it wasn't my cup of tea and I didn't quite fit in. For years, this played on my mind, and towards to latter of my teenage years it consumed most of what I wrote. When I graduated from secondary school in 2016. Although I was so relieved to see the end of an era, I was so anxious that my university experience might be a similar one. 

In school, a teacher of mine had said, "if you don't like school, you probably won't like college." This lingered in the back of my mind for the longest time. What if my university experience would reflect my time in school? What if I wouldn't fit in?

It seems both happy and sad to look back at how much things have changed since then, when it felt like I was destined to be alone, and now, when I am finally at my happiest. How time can change you! I've just turned twenty one and today I write about a life that I love. The largest problems consuming me have returned to those of my seven year old self, avoiding a few florets of broccoli, and at times like these, I'd like to be able to sit with my sixteen year old self and remind her that things always get better. Being young isn't easy, but you are tough.

When a flower doesn't bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, and not the flower itself. 

Until next time, 

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